I came to a point where I needed to kill every emotions just to protect myself. I have killed all hopes and dreams. I have killed all expectations. I have killed the desire to change and improve. I just live one day at a time and no matter what happens--whether good or bad, I will just accept it. I am just frustrated and exhausted to try anymore. I know life will be difficult for me, but isn't it like that already? I am already at a level where trying and expecting life to get better is more painful than just letting things be without doing anything. So yes, this is me now. Just surviving each day until its time to leave. 

How do you live when you have nothing to look forward to anymore?

I used to be a person with goals and dreams, writing them like a checklist and praying every year that I get them. 

Eventually I outgrew them because I never got them. Maybe it’s not for me. I’ve always believed that if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.

I became the person who hopes less in anything. I might not get it, so I’ve learned to manage my expectations. I look forward to maybe, if I am patient, I’ll get it. 

I never got it.

Am I still waiting? Maybe.

I became the person who thought that maybe I am too complacent so I strived to get it. I fought for it, sacrificing my pride and my comfort zone. Did I get it now? Maybe yes.

But no, I did not. 

And the more I try, the more I fail.

Now I don’t know how to live anymore.

I don’t know what to look forward to anymore.

I used to wake up each day looking forward to the one I love — coffee. It’s the best thing, and it never fails me. But eventually, I became the person who forgot that I love it, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. Now, I take it like a drug to wake my senses up, but I don’t look forward to it anymore. I can even live without it.

I’m afraid I’ll run out of things to look forward to everyday. I’m afraid it will happen very soon.

love

I used to write the word love like a proper noun.

Incorrectly writing my sentences to make a point

love is important. It should start with a capital letter.

It’s love that makes you want to wake up each morning

And be thankful before you end the day.

It’s love that makes you smile randomly

It’s love that gives you comfort.

I was a person

Who looked forward so much to love

It’s a wonderful thing, I know.

And I have so much love to give.

I can’t wait to give this love.

I will love unconditionally

Fully, no holding back.

But I realized, that love, chooses.

It is not for everybody.

And it never chose me.

Maybe I am seeing it wrong.

Maybe I am wrong.

But I stopped looking forward to it.

I stopped seeing it as important.

I never wrote it like a proper noun again

Even when it’s the first word of the sentence.

All the love I’ve had to give disappeared

And nothing was left of me

Now I see it as a common thing.

A common need.

And maybe I can live without it.

25 Things I Learned At 25.

1. Love God first, the rest will follow.

2. Too much Love won't kill you, Pride will do.

3. When you have hit rock bottom, the only way is up.

4. You need to care for yourself first before you care for others. I'm still grasping the whole idea but I believe it is correct. "Nemo dat qui non habet".

5. To step out of my comfort zone and to step out of the house.  Bring that book outside.

6. Being punctual gives you a good reputation.

7. Coffee is one of the best things we have here on earth. Thank you, Lord and thank you long, dreaded college nights for introducing me to Coffee. 😂

8. You can also be happy by giving more and receiving less.

9. Happiness is a choice. Joy can only be experienced through unconditional Love. ➕

10. Your family is a blessing to you no matter what situation you are in.

11. It is okay not to be okay.

12. Failure doesn't mean end. it means get up and try harder.

12. You must be ready for the blessing for you to receive the blessing.

13. Faith is significant. It pleases God. It drives you to step out.

14. "Only a real risk can test the reality of belief"

15. Occasional travelling is not a waste of money. Not travelling is a wasted opportunity.

16. Spend less. Save more.

17. Romance shouldn't be rushed. Never believe that you are running out of time. Your still on God's time.

18. You are capable of being loved. There are people that loves you. You just need to stop, look and listen.

19. Do not base your source of happiness according to what the world dictates. Find joy in something that will last forever. May forever talaga kasi. hehe. Seek and you shall find.

20. Devoting time for God is essential.

21. Being disciplined is difficult but with practice your life will significantly change.

22.  Not everyone is capable of keeping their promises. Keep your expectations to a minimum.

23. You can never please everybody. It is not wrong to not please everybody.

24. Sleep shouldn't be compromised.

25. I will not get married at 25 even when my past journals say so.

I Love you.
for the way you understand
for the way you put up
for the way you forgive
I Love you
even when you don't believe it.
even when you say I can't
even when you can't
I Love you.
for letting me know that you do.
for letting me do my thing
for letting me choose
I Love you
for making me eat right
for making me sad
for making me happy
I Love you
for the endless fights
and making up
for the endless talks
with coffee in hand
for the endless movies
and concerts we go to.
I Love you,
for loving my family,
for loving my friends,
for loving every part of me.
I Love you,
even when you said no
even when you finally let go
even when you don't anymore.

I wanted to write about things, things that have been keeping me occupied lately. But I can't even write about a single one. My writings cannot express correctly what I exactly feel. There seem to be no words that would give justice to my emotions. Only my tear ducts show it all. Only my eyes can do the telling. Only my heart knows the pain and agony. Only God knows my cry for help.