love

I used to write the word love like a proper noun.

Incorrectly writing my sentences to make a point

love is important. It should start with a capital letter.

It’s love that makes you want to wake up each morning

And be thankful before you end the day.

It’s love that makes you smile randomly

It’s love that gives you comfort.

I was a person

Who looked forward so much to love

It’s a wonderful thing, I know.

And I have so much love to give.

I can’t wait to give this love.

I will love unconditionally

Fully, no holding back.

But I realized, that love, chooses.

It is not for everybody.

And it never chose me.

Maybe I am seeing it wrong.

Maybe I am wrong.

But I stopped looking forward to it.

I stopped seeing it as important.

I never wrote it like a proper noun again

Even when it’s the first word of the sentence.

All the love I’ve had to give disappeared

And nothing was left of me

Now I see it as a common thing.

A common need.

And maybe I can live without it.

25 Things I Learned At 25.

1. Love God first, the rest will follow.

2. Too much Love won't kill you, Pride will do.

3. When you have hit rock bottom, the only way is up.

4. You need to care for yourself first before you care for others. I'm still grasping the whole idea but I believe it is correct. "Nemo dat qui non habet".

5. To step out of my comfort zone and to step out of the house.  Bring that book outside.

6. Being punctual gives you a good reputation.

7. Coffee is one of the best things we have here on earth. Thank you, Lord and thank you long, dreaded college nights for introducing me to Coffee. 😂

8. You can also be happy by giving more and receiving less.

9. Happiness is a choice. Joy can only be experienced through unconditional Love. ➕

10. Your family is a blessing to you no matter what situation you are in.

11. It is okay not to be okay.

12. Failure doesn't mean end. it means get up and try harder.

12. You must be ready for the blessing for you to receive the blessing.

13. Faith is significant. It pleases God. It drives you to step out.

14. "Only a real risk can test the reality of belief"

15. Occasional travelling is not a waste of money. Not travelling is a wasted opportunity.

16. Spend less. Save more.

17. Romance shouldn't be rushed. Never believe that you are running out of time. Your still on God's time.

18. You are capable of being loved. There are people that loves you. You just need to stop, look and listen.

19. Do not base your source of happiness according to what the world dictates. Find joy in something that will last forever. May forever talaga kasi. hehe. Seek and you shall find.

20. Devoting time for God is essential.

21. Being disciplined is difficult but with practice your life will significantly change.

22.  Not everyone is capable of keeping their promises. Keep your expectations to a minimum.

23. You can never please everybody. It is not wrong to not please everybody.

24. Sleep shouldn't be compromised.

25. I will not get married at 25 even when my past journals say so.

I Love you.
for the way you understand
for the way you put up
for the way you forgive
I Love you
even when you don't believe it.
even when you say I can't
even when you can't
I Love you.
for letting me know that you do.
for letting me do my thing
for letting me choose
I Love you
for making me eat right
for making me sad
for making me happy
I Love you
for the endless fights
and making up
for the endless talks
with coffee in hand
for the endless movies
and concerts we go to.
I Love you,
for loving my family,
for loving my friends,
for loving every part of me.
I Love you,
even when you said no
even when you finally let go
even when you don't anymore.

I wanted to write about things, things that have been keeping me occupied lately. But I can't even write about a single one. My writings cannot express correctly what I exactly feel. There seem to be no words that would give justice to my emotions. Only my tear ducts show it all. Only my eyes can do the telling. Only my heart knows the pain and agony. Only God knows my cry for help. 

To the girl who caught my eyes, my attention, my everything, this silly piece of writing is for you. Don't be offended or anything. I tagged this "silly" because I'm no writer, I'm just a lone man teaching standards and the conceptual framework. For almost a decade that I am here in the last floor of a building way older than I am, it was my very first time seeing somebody that really caught my eye. As I stood in front of my class I saw you in the middle part of the seat plan behind the door. You were focused on my writings, which I plead forgiveness for its unrulyness. You squinted with your spectacles and took down notes. You weren't looking for me, which gave me the opportunity to observe you a little further. As our class progress I cracked some jokes and I noticed you supressed your chuckles, as if too shy to laugh. It would be embarassing if you did not react to it though. I asked the class for answers to problems, expecting a response from you but I heard nothing. You just agreed with them. I still observed you secretly during the class. You let your hair cover most of your face. Please tuck it behind your ears, you are beautiful. Too bad I needed to dismiss the class but I'm happy that I'll still get to see you next week. I hoped you'll meet my gaze on the last minute of the lecture but you were busy fixing your things. 'Til next week, 'til next week.

Sometimes I just wanna go into a far away place where no one could hear me or notice me. I can be on a higher ground where I can shout and say anything beyond my means without anybody hearing me. A place where I can release all the pain, anger, sadness, grief I have in my chest as I scream at the top of my lungs until my voice become hoarse. A place where I can beat up grass or kick and throw stones. A place where I can just lie down, sweating with adrenaline and tears flowing from my tear ducts. And as I sob, I'll think everything that pains me will come out together with my tears. Maybe It'll make me feel right. Just maybe, I should give it a try.

Dear Ex Bestfriend,

I was holding on to the railings with sweat beads on my forehead as I stand on the LRT. I was on my way home from review school and I was very darn tired. The LRT is so crowded and I tried my best to make less physical contact with people I don't know. However, there was a familiar scent that caught my attention. It was the lady from behind. One lady got up from her seat and I took her place. I don't have plans on sittting anymore but I just needed a clearer gaze. Those familiar strokes of birthmark on her neck, that trademark ponytail, a beautiful set of teeth, that calming voice. It was you. My best friend from 5th to 6th grade. I was very surprised to see you. I can't even remember the last time I saw you. Shoot, I know you will get off on the next station and I really wanted to say hello but I'm afraid It'll be too akward. I wasn't sure but it felt like we both avoided each other's gazes. Next station, you left.

A pang of sadness hit me. You were my best friend, my sweet best friend. I consider myself blessed then, for I know a lot wanted to be close friends with you. You always have that charming, friendly disposition. I was blessed that among everybody you still chose me. We had an amazing friendship. Sadly, you moved into a far away place. We promise to write each other. You gave me your letter, your last letter. You told me to write you a letter, but I never did. You never did. High school made us so occupied that we didn't notice we have neglected a very beautiful friendship.

Years passed, I sent you an Facebook Friend request and you confirmed. I was delighted. I sent you a message and we chatted. I can sense that akward feeling as we exchanged responses. I felt bad. It felt awful. Are we still friends? Or just facebook friends? Time has passed and sadly we have changed. I'm thinking what could have been for the both of us if we maintained our childhood friendship.

I revisited your Facebook page and liked some posts. Despite being sad about our friendship I am happy that everything's going well for you. What happened to us has taught me that I must put value on my realtionship with my friends, and greater value to my best friends. Yes, I got a couple of best friends whom I share my life with and I strive to keep them for the longest time. I hope my friend that somewhere in your heart you'll remember that once, there was a person whom you become bestfriends with, and still remembers you.