I came to a point where I needed to kill every emotions just to protect myself. I have killed all hopes and dreams. I have killed all expectations. I have killed the desire to change and improve. I just live one day at a time and no matter what happens--whether good or bad, I will just accept it. I am just frustrated and exhausted to try anymore. I know life will be difficult for me, but isn't it like that already? I am already at a level where trying and expecting life to get better is more painful than just letting things be without doing anything. So yes, this is me now. Just surviving each day until its time to leave. 

How do you live when you have nothing to look forward to anymore?

I used to be a person with goals and dreams, writing them like a checklist and praying every year that I get them. 

Eventually I outgrew them because I never got them. Maybe it’s not for me. I’ve always believed that if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.

I became the person who hopes less in anything. I might not get it, so I’ve learned to manage my expectations. I look forward to maybe, if I am patient, I’ll get it. 

I never got it.

Am I still waiting? Maybe.

I became the person who thought that maybe I am too complacent so I strived to get it. I fought for it, sacrificing my pride and my comfort zone. Did I get it now? Maybe yes.

But no, I did not. 

And the more I try, the more I fail.

Now I don’t know how to live anymore.

I don’t know what to look forward to anymore.

I used to wake up each day looking forward to the one I love — coffee. It’s the best thing, and it never fails me. But eventually, I became the person who forgot that I love it, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. Now, I take it like a drug to wake my senses up, but I don’t look forward to it anymore. I can even live without it.

I’m afraid I’ll run out of things to look forward to everyday. I’m afraid it will happen very soon.

love

I used to write the word love like a proper noun.

Incorrectly writing my sentences to make a point

love is important. It should start with a capital letter.

It’s love that makes you want to wake up each morning

And be thankful before you end the day.

It’s love that makes you smile randomly

It’s love that gives you comfort.

I was a person

Who looked forward so much to love

It’s a wonderful thing, I know.

And I have so much love to give.

I can’t wait to give this love.

I will love unconditionally

Fully, no holding back.

But I realized, that love, chooses.

It is not for everybody.

And it never chose me.

Maybe I am seeing it wrong.

Maybe I am wrong.

But I stopped looking forward to it.

I stopped seeing it as important.

I never wrote it like a proper noun again

Even when it’s the first word of the sentence.

All the love I’ve had to give disappeared

And nothing was left of me

Now I see it as a common thing.

A common need.

And maybe I can live without it.

25 Things I Learned At 25.

1. Love God first, the rest will follow.

2. Too much Love won't kill you, Pride will do.

3. When you have hit rock bottom, the only way is up.

4. You need to care for yourself first before you care for others. I'm still grasping the whole idea but I believe it is correct. "Nemo dat qui non habet".

5. To step out of my comfort zone and to step out of the house.  Bring that book outside.

6. Being punctual gives you a good reputation.

7. Coffee is one of the best things we have here on earth. Thank you, Lord and thank you long, dreaded college nights for introducing me to Coffee. 😂

8. You can also be happy by giving more and receiving less.

9. Happiness is a choice. Joy can only be experienced through unconditional Love. ➕

10. Your family is a blessing to you no matter what situation you are in.

11. It is okay not to be okay.

12. Failure doesn't mean end. it means get up and try harder.

12. You must be ready for the blessing for you to receive the blessing.

13. Faith is significant. It pleases God. It drives you to step out.

14. "Only a real risk can test the reality of belief"

15. Occasional travelling is not a waste of money. Not travelling is a wasted opportunity.

16. Spend less. Save more.

17. Romance shouldn't be rushed. Never believe that you are running out of time. Your still on God's time.

18. You are capable of being loved. There are people that loves you. You just need to stop, look and listen.

19. Do not base your source of happiness according to what the world dictates. Find joy in something that will last forever. May forever talaga kasi. hehe. Seek and you shall find.

20. Devoting time for God is essential.

21. Being disciplined is difficult but with practice your life will significantly change.

22.  Not everyone is capable of keeping their promises. Keep your expectations to a minimum.

23. You can never please everybody. It is not wrong to not please everybody.

24. Sleep shouldn't be compromised.

25. I will not get married at 25 even when my past journals say so.

I Love you.
for the way you understand
for the way you put up
for the way you forgive
I Love you
even when you don't believe it.
even when you say I can't
even when you can't
I Love you.
for letting me know that you do.
for letting me do my thing
for letting me choose
I Love you
for making me eat right
for making me sad
for making me happy
I Love you
for the endless fights
and making up
for the endless talks
with coffee in hand
for the endless movies
and concerts we go to.
I Love you,
for loving my family,
for loving my friends,
for loving every part of me.
I Love you,
even when you said no
even when you finally let go
even when you don't anymore.

I wanted to write about things, things that have been keeping me occupied lately. But I can't even write about a single one. My writings cannot express correctly what I exactly feel. There seem to be no words that would give justice to my emotions. Only my tear ducts show it all. Only my eyes can do the telling. Only my heart knows the pain and agony. Only God knows my cry for help. 

To the girl who caught my eyes, my attention, my everything, this silly piece of writing is for you. Don't be offended or anything. I tagged this "silly" because I'm no writer, I'm just a lone man teaching standards and the conceptual framework. For almost a decade that I am here in the last floor of a building way older than I am, it was my very first time seeing somebody that really caught my eye. As I stood in front of my class I saw you in the middle part of the seat plan behind the door. You were focused on my writings, which I plead forgiveness for its unrulyness. You squinted with your spectacles and took down notes. You weren't looking for me, which gave me the opportunity to observe you a little further. As our class progress I cracked some jokes and I noticed you supressed your chuckles, as if too shy to laugh. It would be embarassing if you did not react to it though. I asked the class for answers to problems, expecting a response from you but I heard nothing. You just agreed with them. I still observed you secretly during the class. You let your hair cover most of your face. Please tuck it behind your ears, you are beautiful. Too bad I needed to dismiss the class but I'm happy that I'll still get to see you next week. I hoped you'll meet my gaze on the last minute of the lecture but you were busy fixing your things. 'Til next week, 'til next week.

Sometimes I just wanna go into a far away place where no one could hear me or notice me. I can be on a higher ground where I can shout and say anything beyond my means without anybody hearing me. A place where I can release all the pain, anger, sadness, grief I have in my chest as I scream at the top of my lungs until my voice become hoarse. A place where I can beat up grass or kick and throw stones. A place where I can just lie down, sweating with adrenaline and tears flowing from my tear ducts. And as I sob, I'll think everything that pains me will come out together with my tears. Maybe It'll make me feel right. Just maybe, I should give it a try.

Dear Ex Bestfriend,

I was holding on to the railings with sweat beads on my forehead as I stand on the LRT. I was on my way home from review school and I was very darn tired. The LRT is so crowded and I tried my best to make less physical contact with people I don't know. However, there was a familiar scent that caught my attention. It was the lady from behind. One lady got up from her seat and I took her place. I don't have plans on sittting anymore but I just needed a clearer gaze. Those familiar strokes of birthmark on her neck, that trademark ponytail, a beautiful set of teeth, that calming voice. It was you. My best friend from 5th to 6th grade. I was very surprised to see you. I can't even remember the last time I saw you. Shoot, I know you will get off on the next station and I really wanted to say hello but I'm afraid It'll be too akward. I wasn't sure but it felt like we both avoided each other's gazes. Next station, you left.

A pang of sadness hit me. You were my best friend, my sweet best friend. I consider myself blessed then, for I know a lot wanted to be close friends with you. You always have that charming, friendly disposition. I was blessed that among everybody you still chose me. We had an amazing friendship. Sadly, you moved into a far away place. We promise to write each other. You gave me your letter, your last letter. You told me to write you a letter, but I never did. You never did. High school made us so occupied that we didn't notice we have neglected a very beautiful friendship.

Years passed, I sent you an Facebook Friend request and you confirmed. I was delighted. I sent you a message and we chatted. I can sense that akward feeling as we exchanged responses. I felt bad. It felt awful. Are we still friends? Or just facebook friends? Time has passed and sadly we have changed. I'm thinking what could have been for the both of us if we maintained our childhood friendship.

I revisited your Facebook page and liked some posts. Despite being sad about our friendship I am happy that everything's going well for you. What happened to us has taught me that I must put value on my realtionship with my friends, and greater value to my best friends. Yes, I got a couple of best friends whom I share my life with and I strive to keep them for the longest time. I hope my friend that somewhere in your heart you'll remember that once, there was a person whom you become bestfriends with, and still remembers you.

Do not fall in love with me, for I am broken, like tiny sharp shards of glass beyond repair. If you come closer, you'll surely cut yourself. Worse, I will enter your bloodstream and damage you from the inside out.

Do not fall in love with me, for I am a mess. My world has been turned upside down. I am lost, wandering to and fro, wondering how to get home.

Do not fall in love with me, for I am fragile. I easily break, for I am still on the process of repair. One wrong move and I'll be worse, and I am afraid I will completely be scrapped and be worthless.

Do not fall in love with me, for I lost my faith in love. I used to believe that love is something beautiful, something to yearn, something to look forward to, but now I am overwhelmed of how it can hurt.

Do not fall in love with me, for I believe that love is nothing but fiction, it only exists in  clichè romance movies and used-to-be cute korean dramas. Love can be real, but not for people like me.

Do not fall in love with me, for I will see you as a threat. I won't easily give my heart, for it has been stolen but returned broken. I will put my walls up and won't let my guard down. I will keep you out, so that you can't hurt me.

Do not fall in love with me, for I will never be good enough for you. You'll see me as someone who is so empty and lacking. I think you can not handle it. You'll be too sorry for me, or too overwhelmed on how to help me to get fixed.

But if you are man enough to try, I will let you. Maybe, just maybe, you are the one that will replace bitterness with joy in my heart. The one who can understand how badly I've been hurt but still can heal. The one who will help me believe in love again, who will make my gloomy eyes shine and believe that love is beautiful, that I am capable of loving and being loved back. The one who will embrace me for everything I am, and will literally embrace me tightly for comfort.

However, You've been warned. Do not fall in love with me.

Sometimes I marvel at how God sees me. What does the Almighty think of me? I mean, I have been told and I am very much secure of the fact that I am valuable in His eyes but I can't help but wonder. I think of myself as a weak person, but I think God thinks otherwise. I think inside me is a warrior waiting to be unleashed, that the battles I have been and continually facing are not coincidences but obstacles I must accomplish. In my quiet times I cry, "Father, I am not that strong and I think I couldn't handle it anymore" but He responds with more challenging situations. Is this how the Lord sees me? I am having a very tough time but I am honoured and I feel more valuable to Him because He sees me as somebody who is strong, and I feel that He trusts and believes in me. May He help me to finish strong.

I feel cold as Ice
I close my eyes,
Tears flowed slowly
And I end up sobbing gently

This feels familiar
The pain, it was similar
Three years ago, a phase in particular
Has made me worse, a mess and peculiar

Alas, I have been through this
Shall I be at peace?
No, for a huge amount of dread
Is what I'm feeling instead

I don't really want to remember
The pain I have felt like in, forever
I have moved on and able to recover
But I feel like I must start over

I feel so helpless,
I have no solace
My poor, fragile heart
Again, broken apart

What shall I do then?
Should I just let my heart be broken?
In my case I'm badly stricken
I guess a huge challenge is what I am given

I must muster the courage
To finish this stage
It is just a rough phase
That I must strongly face

My heart's beating fast
I can't breathe, I don't know why.
I hope it's good news

I am the eldest. I lived years of being the second parent. I always try my best not to show them fear nor cowardice. My family thinks I am strong enough to face anything, but the truth is, I am a weakling. On the other hand, my friends think I am jolly person. They think I am too happy to be sad about anything, that sadness can easily be overpowered by my happy nature. Actually, I am really a jolly person. I am optimistic. But iside me is a wounded version of myself, not wanting to be seen. I am really sad.

It is an everyday struggle to display on the outside the opposite of what's really inside. That's not me. I didn't know pretending can hurt this much. But I'd rather be like that than make people think, or feel bad about me. I am too ashamed to admit it. I'd rather have people think that I'm a happy and a strong person because I know I am, and being weak and sad is just a season that will surely pass.

I woke up and I stare blankly at the ceiling. My body aches as I stretch, I feel heavier each day. My stomach is making funny sounds, I didn't eat properly the day before. I force myself to get up. It's almost 8am. I said my morning prayers and read from where I left of last night.

I made a cup off coffee for myself. Everyone has had breakfast, which is good. I try to avoid conversations as much as possible. I went upstairs and do nothing, until I am called to eat lunch. I eat a little, I still can't stomach food. I helped with the chores. I went upstairs again until it's dark. I put my baby sister to sleep. As I lay down tears flowed from both my eyes. I started to sob and supressed it with my pillows.

I am still not okay. I can't wait to be okay. I am still hurt as if my body is going to collapse and get sick. Until when can I be like this? Everyday I feel I am a useless person, a failure. I feel so small. Why did I even allow myself to be in this kind of situation. Should I give up?

No, I won't. I'll be hurt if I had to, and it's going to be worth it.

Dear Future Boyfriend.

Hi. The last time I wrote you a decent letter was when I was very sad, and I feel the same way today. Don't feel bad that I only write to you on days like these, because I felt like you were my only solace. But I don't want to dwell so much on whatever that causes my pain, I just want to talk about us.

I just wonder how you would be on times like this. Are you going to my house with an ice cream tub to make me feel better? Make sure it has nuts, or it's flavoured mango. Please don't be disappointed if I don't talk to much. I know you're not used to me only giving a slight smile. It's just so hard to talk, because if I do I think my tears would burst like a damaged water pipe. You don't need to do anything, don't force a smile. I know you're sad as well. Your mere presence is enough, you can cry with me if you want.

Are you going to take me out? I would love that. I hate isolation as much as I love it. Ironic as it sounds, but it's the truth. We don't need to splurge money, I just want to breathe and forget the sorrow I'm having even just for a short while. We can go see the sunset by the bay, sing me a song even if you don't sound so good, I'll love it. We can walk the streets our heroes used to walk in. We can appreciate flowers, too bad there are no sunflowers. We can even just sit on the couch at a cafe store, breathing the soothing aroma of coffee. Hold my hand. I need it. We can also have a silent picnic at night, where I can see the stars and appreciate them--you know I love them, don't you? Even better, we can catch one fallin, and as we lay down you might catch a tear fall. Will you hold my face and wipe it gently with your thumb? Will you kiss my forehead to make me feel better?

And as you walk me home are you going to hold both my shoulders and hug me tight. Please don't let go too soon. Your hug means a lot to me. Don't worry If I cry so much, you're the only person I'm comfortable being myself. You're the only person who knows that I can be weak.

I felt better writing this, for I felt love in a figurative way. I missed you. Please come soon--if time permits, of course.

Love,

Your Future Girlfriend.

Here I am, I am here.

Can't you feel me?

Can't you see me?

Here I am, I am here

The pain crashed your bone,

You have broken your stride

But you were never alone,

For I never left your side.

It was a privelege to be there

To held you up and lead you somewhere

I was happy to give you comfort

I was happier to be your support

A happy face is hard to feign

And you are still in great pain

Sadness, is what your eyes show

How would I end your sorrow?

What should I do? I felt so desparate.

And it breaks my heart to realize in this state

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I plead

Will result to nothing for I'm not the one you need.

But still, my dear,

Here I am, I am here

Even if you don't feel like it

Even if you don't see it

Here I am, I'll still be here.

on Writing

The true writer has nothing to say. What counts is the way he says it.
- Alain Robbe-Grillet

Writing is its own reward.
- Henry Miller


Writing will always be one of the things I enjoy doing in my life. No, I don't have a good handwriting nor a talent in producing better adjectives to give a perfect description of my thoughts, my grammar and my punctutions are badly misplaced but still, I write. Writing is like a therapy to me. Ever since I was a little girl I started to keep my own journal. Too bad I lost those precious notebooks where I wrote the day my classmate-slash-crush smiled at me. The day I was bullied because I'm fat. The day my mother gave me some spanking for going to a summer basketball game without her permission. Those are funny memories in my childhood that I transcribed into a "Dear Diary" letter. Letters--the word put a smile on my face. I love writing and receiving letters especially to and from my loved ones. Letters are a medium for us to put into writing those very important words of love that we want to read and read all over again. Too bad technology has advanced so well that a lot of people has forgotten the art of writing a letter but I will never stop writing one, hoping that no one would also stop writing me one.

Writing keeps my sanity. I have a lot of things in my mind that I have to put into writing to keep my brain from short-circuiting.I have a bad memory as well, so writing helps. Regardless of what mode--it can be a writing to remember a formula, a recipe, a heartbreaking letter or a poem for a loved one, I will continue and never tire. I don't care if nobody reads them, as long as I've expressed myself through my pen and paper, the pleasure would always be mine. 

Dear You

Dear You,

I have noticed this past few days that you have been very ill--not the ill where you have to take your pills and be confined in a hospital. It's just that you don't look okay. Don't deny it, I know you. I know you best, and whatever you do to conceal it, I know something's wrong.

You're wearing out, even that tiny spark that keeps you going is fading. What is happening? Where is the person who stands up, and never gives up? What happened to the person who doesn't allow failure to keep you from going? That person, I think, is lost. Your eyes, it cannot lie. They can tell how sad you are. The recent pains in your chest is not just ordinary, they tell something.

I just want to hug you right now, that's the least I can do. I know it's what you wanted anyway. With the warmth of my hug let me assure you that you are not alone. I hope the light in your eyes that signals hope and faith will be seen when you look in the mirror, and by that time I'll be able to see a genuine smile again. I miss you, the real you.

I know that the heartaches of the world has worn you out, because you don't seem to understand them. Keep on fighting, You may feel weak but somebody up there is Strong, and you already know it.

Love,
Yourself