Dear Ex Bestfriend,

I was holding on to the railings with sweat beads on my forehead as I stand on the LRT. I was on my way home from review school and I was very darn tired. The LRT is so crowded and I tried my best to make less physical contact with people I don't know. However, there was a familiar scent that caught my attention. It was the lady from behind. One lady got up from her seat and I took her place. I don't have plans on sittting anymore but I just needed a clearer gaze. Those familiar strokes of birthmark on her neck, that trademark ponytail, a beautiful set of teeth, that calming voice. It was you. My best friend from 5th to 6th grade. I was very surprised to see you. I can't even remember the last time I saw you. Shoot, I know you will get off on the next station and I really wanted to say hello but I'm afraid It'll be too akward. I wasn't sure but it felt like we both avoided each other's gazes. Next station, you left.

A pang of sadness hit me. You were my best friend, my sweet best friend. I consider myself blessed then, for I know a lot wanted to be close friends with you. You always have that charming, friendly disposition. I was blessed that among everybody you still chose me. We had an amazing friendship. Sadly, you moved into a far away place. We promise to write each other. You gave me your letter, your last letter. You told me to write you a letter, but I never did. You never did. High school made us so occupied that we didn't notice we have neglected a very beautiful friendship.

Years passed, I sent you an Facebook Friend request and you confirmed. I was delighted. I sent you a message and we chatted. I can sense that akward feeling as we exchanged responses. I felt bad. It felt awful. Are we still friends? Or just facebook friends? Time has passed and sadly we have changed. I'm thinking what could have been for the both of us if we maintained our childhood friendship.

I revisited your Facebook page and liked some posts. Despite being sad about our friendship I am happy that everything's going well for you. What happened to us has taught me that I must put value on my realtionship with my friends, and greater value to my best friends. Yes, I got a couple of best friends whom I share my life with and I strive to keep them for the longest time. I hope my friend that somewhere in your heart you'll remember that once, there was a person whom you become bestfriends with, and still remembers you.

Do not fall in love with me, for I am broken, like tiny sharp shards of glass beyond repair. If you come closer, you'll surely cut yourself. Worse, I will enter your bloodstream and damage you from the inside out.

Do not fall in love with me, for I am a mess. My world has been turned upside down. I am lost, wandering to and fro, wondering how to get home.

Do not fall in love with me, for I am fragile. I easily break, for I am still on the process of repair. One wrong move and I'll be worse, and I am afraid I will completely be scrapped and be worthless.

Do not fall in love with me, for I lost my faith in love. I used to believe that love is something beautiful, something to yearn, something to look forward to, but now I am overwhelmed of how it can hurt.

Do not fall in love with me, for I believe that love is nothing but fiction, it only exists in  clichè romance movies and used-to-be cute korean dramas. Love can be real, but not for people like me.

Do not fall in love with me, for I will see you as a threat. I won't easily give my heart, for it has been stolen but returned broken. I will put my walls up and won't let my guard down. I will keep you out, so that you can't hurt me.

Do not fall in love with me, for I will never be good enough for you. You'll see me as someone who is so empty and lacking. I think you can not handle it. You'll be too sorry for me, or too overwhelmed on how to help me to get fixed.

But if you are man enough to try, I will let you. Maybe, just maybe, you are the one that will replace bitterness with joy in my heart. The one who can understand how badly I've been hurt but still can heal. The one who will help me believe in love again, who will make my gloomy eyes shine and believe that love is beautiful, that I am capable of loving and being loved back. The one who will embrace me for everything I am, and will literally embrace me tightly for comfort.

However, You've been warned. Do not fall in love with me.

Sometimes I marvel at how God sees me. What does the Almighty think of me? I mean, I have been told and I am very much secure of the fact that I am valuable in His eyes but I can't help but wonder. I think of myself as a weak person, but I think God thinks otherwise. I think inside me is a warrior waiting to be unleashed, that the battles I have been and continually facing are not coincidences but obstacles I must accomplish. In my quiet times I cry, "Father, I am not that strong and I think I couldn't handle it anymore" but He responds with more challenging situations. Is this how the Lord sees me? I am having a very tough time but I am honoured and I feel more valuable to Him because He sees me as somebody who is strong, and I feel that He trusts and believes in me. May He help me to finish strong.

I feel cold as Ice
I close my eyes,
Tears flowed slowly
And I end up sobbing gently

This feels familiar
The pain, it was similar
Three years ago, a phase in particular
Has made me worse, a mess and peculiar

Alas, I have been through this
Shall I be at peace?
No, for a huge amount of dread
Is what I'm feeling instead

I don't really want to remember
The pain I have felt like in, forever
I have moved on and able to recover
But I feel like I must start over

I feel so helpless,
I have no solace
My poor, fragile heart
Again, broken apart

What shall I do then?
Should I just let my heart be broken?
In my case I'm badly stricken
I guess a huge challenge is what I am given

I must muster the courage
To finish this stage
It is just a rough phase
That I must strongly face

My heart's beating fast
I can't breathe, I don't know why.
I hope it's good news

I am the eldest. I lived years of being the second parent. I always try my best not to show them fear nor cowardice. My family thinks I am strong enough to face anything, but the truth is, I am a weakling. On the other hand, my friends think I am jolly person. They think I am too happy to be sad about anything, that sadness can easily be overpowered by my happy nature. Actually, I am really a jolly person. I am optimistic. But iside me is a wounded version of myself, not wanting to be seen. I am really sad.

It is an everyday struggle to display on the outside the opposite of what's really inside. That's not me. I didn't know pretending can hurt this much. But I'd rather be like that than make people think, or feel bad about me. I am too ashamed to admit it. I'd rather have people think that I'm a happy and a strong person because I know I am, and being weak and sad is just a season that will surely pass.

I woke up and I stare blankly at the ceiling. My body aches as I stretch, I feel heavier each day. My stomach is making funny sounds, I didn't eat properly the day before. I force myself to get up. It's almost 8am. I said my morning prayers and read from where I left of last night.

I made a cup off coffee for myself. Everyone has had breakfast, which is good. I try to avoid conversations as much as possible. I went upstairs and do nothing, until I am called to eat lunch. I eat a little, I still can't stomach food. I helped with the chores. I went upstairs again until it's dark. I put my baby sister to sleep. As I lay down tears flowed from both my eyes. I started to sob and supressed it with my pillows.

I am still not okay. I can't wait to be okay. I am still hurt as if my body is going to collapse and get sick. Until when can I be like this? Everyday I feel I am a useless person, a failure. I feel so small. Why did I even allow myself to be in this kind of situation. Should I give up?

No, I won't. I'll be hurt if I had to, and it's going to be worth it.