This certain day of the year has come again. I really hate it. It's the day when you have to leave...
I remember when I was little, I used to dread this certain day. I would highly anticipate what I will do, how I will react or how I would escape this day but I can never do that. I never liked it when you start putting your clothes and the rest of your stuff in that big old blue suitcase. I really want to go inside so you can bring me without any passport or plane ticket. You said I can't because I'm a fat kid. I hate it when you take us out for lunch just so you can formally say goodbye. I don't like it when you're leaving the next day and you will seriously talk to us and let us say something. I can't hold back my childhood tears. I find sleeping (or feigning sleep) as a quick escape, making my hotdog-shaped pillow absorb all the tears. More than a decade has passed and I'm 20 now. Nothing has changed, really. My hotdog-shaped pillow's still exists, I still want to fit inside that suitcase. I still can't hold back my tears. I haven't got used to it and I guess I'll never do. This separation anxiety never left me.
I still wonder why it always has to be like this. Obviously, It's really hard to grow up without you. It's sad that you missed a lot of Christmases, Birthdays, Graduations and the like. There are times when I wanted to rush home to let you see the star at the back of my hand but you're not here. There are times when I wished you can talk to that rude classmate who annoys me but still you're not here. I can't blame you, for I know this isn't your fault at all. I thought of ways on how I can let you stay, like finding a job to help or getting scholarships but it was not as easy as it sounds. I blamed the government, the president, corruption, recession, but it always ended with just letting you leave. Yes, I understand. It was for our own good. But how can this be good? It was painful for me and it pains me more to realize that it was harder for mother, for the family, and for you, of course. You have to leave us, you'll be alone in the middle of the sea with your co-workers you have no idea how bad or good they are. You're very far and have no clue of what is happening with our everyday. That is really torture.
However, this is the sad reality of life that we have to accept. Sorry for my rants. It's just that I'll miss you so much. You know how we get along well and how we are similar in a lot of ways. I'll miss everything about you. I'll miss our talks. I'll miss how we become partners-in-crime to tease mother and I'll miss you defending me from her. I'll miss you scolding me for forgetting little things like switching off the lights and locking the doors. I'll miss watching basketball 'cos I only watch when you're around..and I'll also miss the actual games. I'll miss you teasing me how bad I am with my tagalog words and how you laugh hysterically when I commit that mistake. I'll miss your laugh whenever I accidentally kiss you several times before going to school because I forget that I have kissed you already. (But I won't miss the rash on my face and will forever hate that beard). I'll miss the advises and the tips. I'll miss your stories. I'll miss everything, huge or small. The house is never the same without you.
As I make this one, you are too busy packing your stuff in that big old blue suitcase again. I can sense the sadness as I stare at the scene. I would still like to fit myself in that suitcase. I still can't hold back my tears. Do not worry, Daddy. 2 years more. I'm not gonna make you leave again, ever.
I remember when I was little, I used to dread this certain day. I would highly anticipate what I will do, how I will react or how I would escape this day but I can never do that. I never liked it when you start putting your clothes and the rest of your stuff in that big old blue suitcase. I really want to go inside so you can bring me without any passport or plane ticket. You said I can't because I'm a fat kid. I hate it when you take us out for lunch just so you can formally say goodbye. I don't like it when you're leaving the next day and you will seriously talk to us and let us say something. I can't hold back my childhood tears. I find sleeping (or feigning sleep) as a quick escape, making my hotdog-shaped pillow absorb all the tears. More than a decade has passed and I'm 20 now. Nothing has changed, really. My hotdog-shaped pillow's still exists, I still want to fit inside that suitcase. I still can't hold back my tears. I haven't got used to it and I guess I'll never do. This separation anxiety never left me.
I still wonder why it always has to be like this. Obviously, It's really hard to grow up without you. It's sad that you missed a lot of Christmases, Birthdays, Graduations and the like. There are times when I wanted to rush home to let you see the star at the back of my hand but you're not here. There are times when I wished you can talk to that rude classmate who annoys me but still you're not here. I can't blame you, for I know this isn't your fault at all. I thought of ways on how I can let you stay, like finding a job to help or getting scholarships but it was not as easy as it sounds. I blamed the government, the president, corruption, recession, but it always ended with just letting you leave. Yes, I understand. It was for our own good. But how can this be good? It was painful for me and it pains me more to realize that it was harder for mother, for the family, and for you, of course. You have to leave us, you'll be alone in the middle of the sea with your co-workers you have no idea how bad or good they are. You're very far and have no clue of what is happening with our everyday. That is really torture.
However, this is the sad reality of life that we have to accept. Sorry for my rants. It's just that I'll miss you so much. You know how we get along well and how we are similar in a lot of ways. I'll miss everything about you. I'll miss our talks. I'll miss how we become partners-in-crime to tease mother and I'll miss you defending me from her. I'll miss you scolding me for forgetting little things like switching off the lights and locking the doors. I'll miss watching basketball 'cos I only watch when you're around..and I'll also miss the actual games. I'll miss you teasing me how bad I am with my tagalog words and how you laugh hysterically when I commit that mistake. I'll miss your laugh whenever I accidentally kiss you several times before going to school because I forget that I have kissed you already. (But I won't miss the rash on my face and will forever hate that beard). I'll miss the advises and the tips. I'll miss your stories. I'll miss everything, huge or small. The house is never the same without you.
As I make this one, you are too busy packing your stuff in that big old blue suitcase again. I can sense the sadness as I stare at the scene. I would still like to fit myself in that suitcase. I still can't hold back my tears. Do not worry, Daddy. 2 years more. I'm not gonna make you leave again, ever.
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