I may look okay but inside I feel like dying. Little by little, as the days go by it felt like I lose a part of me--a finger, a hand, a limb. It pains me inside. It felt as if I've been stabbed exactly in my heart and somebody is twisting the knife. I don't feel myself anymore. I act strange. I smile a lot to cover this pain I have. I don't know what to do. nobody knows what I am going through, and nobody would understand. Someday, I'll have the courage to stand up and fight for myself. I just pray that when that time comes I still got enough part of me to start all over again.

One day, I'll wake up
Without this pain in my chest
That I struggle with

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, 
And sorry I could not travel both 
And be one traveler, long I stood 
And looked down one as far as I could 
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

--Robert Frost

August Seventh

It's been seven days since we last talked.

Seven days without any word from each other. I was not happy about it though. That seven days has been hard for me, considering I talk to you on a daily basis even though we don't see each other. Honestly, my day feels incomplete without your participation or involvement, and I have wondered why I let that happen. I don't have any regrets, by the way. It's sad that I see you, sit beside you, but not feel you. It's sad that you turn your back on me. It's sad that you avoid my whereabouts. It's sad that I eagerly, patiently wait for you to talk to me or even just meet my gaze and get my heart broken at the end of the day. It's sad to see you sad, and I can't even be a best friend. It's sad that I want to hug you but I can't. It's sad that I never see any hint that you want to talk to me again. Every time I don't talk to you, I almost do. Every time I avoid your gaze, I almost not. I can't do anything but wait. Our every day was like as if there's a live fence between us and we won't even dare to pass through. But you know what, I would rather be electrocuted than not talk to you, feel you, hear you for the rest of my life. The sad truth, maybe you don't care less anymore.

I held up my hands and silently count with my fingers, One, two, three, four, five, six...

It's been seven days since we last talked, and It's gonna be eight tomorrow. I sincerely wish I can stop counting.

I Always Have Something To Write About

I always have something to write about and it haunts me,
The feelings, pushing me to translate them into words
I always have something to write about and I'm bothered,
The words, pushing me to write them in paper.
I always have something to write and I'm scared,
That something hidden will be seen in me.
I always have something to write about,
But I chose not to write,
because there is something behind every cheerful smile
that only my pen and paper could understand.

Ikapitong araw
Simula ng ikaw
Ay huling nakausap.
Ako'y nanabik,
Kaibigan matalik,
Na ika'y maramdaman,
Na ika'y masilayan,
Na tayo'y muling magkita,
Ngunit wala atang mahihita,
Sabi mo'y ika'y abala,
Ako naman ay tulala.
Nagmumukhang kawawa,
Wala akong magawa.
Bakit ba kay tagal?
Ang puso ko'y napapagal.
Lubos akong nag-alala
Naghihintay, wag naman sana sa wala.

Kung nabibili lamang ang oras,
panahon at mga araw,
pag-iipunan ko, mabilhan lang kita.
Ngunit kahit bilhin ko
ang lahat ng oras sa mundo
Hindi parin kita makakasama,
Mahahagkan, Mahahawakan
O masisilayan man lamang
Kung ikaw na mismo ang may ayaw.

I may not be talking to you and you may not hear from me, but that doesn't mean that I started ignoring you. Ever since we had this space between the two of us I have this fear that this temporary phase of isolating ourselves with each other will become permanent, that this quelling of our emotions will be ordinary for us. Honestly, I don't want us to lead to that, and I seriously dread it.

Dear You,

I don't know if you will be able to read this.If not, maybe it's just not meant to be. Just kidding, I know how much you hate that line of mine. I admit it's really awkward to write you something like this or to write this way because I know there are chances that you won't see it. However, I really want to write you something tonight so please, read on.

We know for a fact that you are my best friend and both of us has been through a lot--series of fights, quarrels compensated with good laughs and happy moments together. We enjoy whatever we do or wherever we go as long as we are together. Remember our first year? You asked me if I'm happy, and sincerely, with a skip of a heartbeat, I said yes. I am happy, I still am.

However there are rough roads set as we walk and run in this world's paths and I admit, I was not really good with this. Expectations and assumptions overwhelm us and these led to heartbreaks. You want this, I don't want that, You don't want this, I want that. What happened to our pair of eyes that are connected invisibly with each other? Maybe we seldom stare at each other's eyes anymore. It seems like we somewhat lost that incomparable and amazing connection that we have and that is really saddening. I hope I'm wrong.

I just want to end this letter saying that no matter what is happening between the two of us, no matter how saddening, painful or hard it is to bear, I will always have my arms open wide ready to hug you (or not if you don't want to) and hear you out. 'Cause no matter what, you are my best friend, and that very important fact will always prevail.

Sincerely,
Maica D.

It makes my heart so happy whenever I receive chocolates. Who doesn't love chocolates anyway? But you know what, it is not just the sweet chocolates that make me so delighted, it's the person who gave the chocolates. I appreciate that person's sweetness because that person is thoughtful enough to care and that person knows that this will put a big smile in my face. That is sweeter than any chocolate bar in the world. :'-)

I always wonder why I always dream that I was holding your hand. It's kind of funny, 'cause we never do that in real life. But honestly, every time I dream about it there was this spark I feel whenever our hands met, and the spaces between are fingers were perfectly filled. You squeezed my hand delicately and with love. But, after a minute or two, you tend to let go of my hand. This makes my heart stop. It makes me sad. I hope the next time I dream about me, you and our hands, you will not let go.

There are people who notices little things about you. People who you show your biggest smile but can still sense the sadness in your eyes. People who you show the slightest hint of emotion but still can sense what you hide inside. I will forever appreciate those people, 'cause you don't need to tell them that you're hurt, or you have something in your heart that you can't contain yourself. Because those people knows you, and will be pleasured to hear from you.

The guy i'll be with
is the one who prayed, pursued
and chose to love me.

I admit (even it’s hard for me to admit or accept things) that I’m having a hard time dealing with everything that is happening to me right now. Because of this, I am getting kind of confused with all the emotions I am feeling, affecting my relationships with the people around me.There are things I felt I wanted to do, things I felt I wanted to say, but a lot of things hold me back because I know I am still not in a stable situation. Things are as vague as ever. I just pray that things will get clearer soon, so whatever is present, I’ll be able to deal with it with certainty that I’ve made a decision not based on an uncertain feeling.

Love Unspoken

Your eyes close, a fringe of lashes,
holding back the tears as they gather.
Why is it you hide from love,
even as it stands before you?
Your heart can see, love, even in the darkness.
Your hands rest at your sides,
though they long to reach out,
afraid to touch, afraid to feel.
Love in all it’s emotion, surpasses the physical.
Without even the faintest touch,
it leaves it’s imprint upon you.
Your voice hesitant, you dare not speak of love,
guarded, you keep your voice even,
afraid to let the emotion show.
Yet you give yourself away,
for I can hear love in your voice,
even as you pray for me,
even as you call out my name.
Your eyes speak of a love,
that has not yet found it’s voice.
I smile and let it go for now,
content to find myself,
in the presence of love unspoken.

Posted July 19th, 2010 by eternal_optimist

Akyat sa kwarto. Hahanap ng gagawin (kesa tumulala lang), pero hindi ko magagawa yun dahil wala ako sa pokus. Walang kakausapin at mananahimik. Bad tayming, tumawag pa si Itay, tumawag din ang tiyahin ko. Buti sana kung pwede kung sabihin sa kanila na masama ang loob ko. Magpapanggap nalang ako na walang problema. Tsk, di pa naman ako best aktres. Tawagan ko nalang siguro ang bespren ko para magsumbong--di pala pwede, nangako ako sa kanya na 'di ko sya gagambalain ngayong weekend. Pero masama ang talaga ang loob ko. Naiiyak ako sa inis. Isipin mo nang OA ako pero wala akong pakialam.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero madali talagang sumama ang loob ko kapag hindi natutupad ang mga bagay na inasahan ko nang mangyari. Kuha mo? Kapag may ipinangako ka sakin, o sinabi sakin, tapos hindi matutupad o mangyayari ay sasama talaga ang loob ko. Sasama ang loob ko sa'yo. halimbawa sinabi mong "Sa Saturday, aalis tayo ha?" O di kaya "Sige, bibigyan kita niyan" ..itatatak ko na sa utak ko 'yan, na para bang iniskedyul ko na 'yan at dapat mangyari. Sa madaling salita, aasa ako sa sinabi mo hanggang tuparin mo iyon. Kaya naman kapag hindi natupad 'yan ay sasama talaga ang loob ko. Maiinis ako sa'yo. Maiinis ako sa mga dahilan na humadlang sa pangakong napako. Ewan ko, siguro kasi, pag nangako ako, sisikapin kong matupad iyon at sa pagkakaalam ko, hindi pa ako nagpapako ng aking pangako. Alam ko kasi ang pakiramdam ng isang taong umasa tapos walang nangyari.

Siguro ganito talaga ang buhay sa mundo, may mga taong hindi marunong tumupad sa pangako, o sa napag-usapan. Kelangan ko na sigurong tanggapin ang katotohanang iyon, at ng mas malawak na pang-unawa. Naisip ko lang, si Jesus nga, kapag humingi ako ng tawad, pinapatawad niya ako, tapos mauulit na naman 'yung kasalanan ko. edi hindi rin ako tumupad sa usapan diba? Pero dahil mahal niya ako, kahit nakakasama sa loob ang ginawa ko, andyan parin siya. kasi mahal niya ako e. At si God, hinding hindi mapapako ang pangako niya. Kaya hinding hindi ko iisipin na wala ng pangakong natutupad ngayon.Sana po Lord, 'yung mga taong nangangako sakin ay matutong tumupad sa napag-usapan, at bigyan niyo narin po ako ng Grace para mangibabaw ang pagmamahal ko sa mga taong 'yon at mawala ang sama ng loob ko sa kanila. hehe :-D

Hindi na masama ang loob ko :'-)

mayoonak juu ni ji juu kyuu fun mae

In nineteen minutes,
I'll say goodbye to twenty,
Hello twenty-one.

But you know better now, so make sure it’s all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk. Don’t lie to one another. You’re done with that old life. It’s like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you’ve stripped off and put in the fire. Now you’re dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ. So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.--Colossians 3:8-17, The Message Version

Let me share a lil' secret
A secret that I'll never regret
I call it the art of crying
And it won't hurt if you go on trying
Find a perfect, quiet room
Perfect enough to tolerate your gloom
The room should not be so silent
So no one will hear your heart's lament
Pick a place where people are few
And make sure nobody recognizes you
Pick the perfect spot, an empty table
Make a covering for your face possible
Start to prepare your own mock bed
Put your hanky and lay your head
Put your face down and feign your sleep
Cover your face and start to weep
Start to sob, Let the tears flow
Make the handkerchief absorb the sorrow
Try to sob without a sound
In sync with your heart's heavy pound
Do not move your shoulders too much
Spare yourself for an unwanted touch
After that, get up, wipe your eyes
Your goal is to look very nice
Comb your hair, groom your face
Make sure you left no visible trace
For a few minutes, let your red eyes rest
Fake a smile, give it your best
Get up, chin up, and face the crowd
You just had a breather, feel very proud.

Everything is black and white
No tint of color in my sight
What happened to the world so bright?
I wonder when we'd stop this fight?

Sadness fills this gloomy place
And I can't find a happy place
I wish to fill our gaps and space
And give you my warmest embrace

Being prideful sounds so smart
But this would take us far apart
Doing what's best is what I should start
Saving the friendship will save our heart

-MS
January 22nnd 2013, 10 minutes before 4pm (JST +9) 

Don't Go Far Away

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because then the little drops of anguish will all run together, the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me, choking my lost heart. 
Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach; may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance. Don't leave me for a second, my dearest, 
because in that moment you'll have gone so far I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking, Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying? 

--Pablo Neruda

I closed my eyes, sought some rest
and placed my hand beneath my chest
The exact place where my heart lies
The exact place where I hear the cries
It's beating sound was so deafening
I can feel every beat on my skin
This heart has gotten so heavy and weary
From all the burdens it has to carry
Its irregular palpitations feel so scary
But for this heart I feel so sorry
If only I can take a scalpel and trace a hole
to take my heart out and leave my soul
If only I can temporarily stop its beating
and wait for the pain to take its fleeting
Nothing can be done but endure the pain now
This show will soon meet its traditional bow
Pardon me, my poor, fragile heart
Maybe we just need some time apart.

If only I could
Sell tears in exchange for cash
I'd make a fortune

I wanted to write about something, no it's not just something, it's about what I feel in the depths of my heart. But It seems like the available words aren't enough and effective to use to perfectly express what I feel. I never wanted to sound doltish and to be taken vaguely so I guess I'll just drop the idea and let my hidden paper and pen do its work.

Letters

Letters are not just simple handwritten words on a piece of paper that ranges from the scented types to the cute ones down to the simplest scratch papers. Letters are words, phrases and sentences transcribed in a piece of paper through a writing instrument that are too overwhelming for the mouth to speak because the words come from the bottom of the heart. Letters are a great way to express a feeling, for uttered words are sometimes ineffective and insufficient to make a feeling known and be felt by somebody. Letters are great mementos, for spoken words can not be repeated with certainty without an audio recording device, and you can not tape every spoken word unlike letters that you can easily read over and over again whenever you want to. Letters remind us how special and dear we are, because behind every letter there is someone who took time and exerted an effort to make one for you.

It's a sad fact that writing letters starts to fade due to technology and other means of communication. I am forever a fan of letters and no matter what, I will always love writing letters. I will always appreciate receiving one, for letters are one of the best ways to express love towards another person.