I woke up and I stare blankly at the ceiling. My body aches as I stretch, I feel heavier each day. My stomach is making funny sounds, I didn't eat properly the day before. I force myself to get up. It's almost 8am. I said my morning prayers and read from where I left of last night.

I made a cup off coffee for myself. Everyone has had breakfast, which is good. I try to avoid conversations as much as possible. I went upstairs and do nothing, until I am called to eat lunch. I eat a little, I still can't stomach food. I helped with the chores. I went upstairs again until it's dark. I put my baby sister to sleep. As I lay down tears flowed from both my eyes. I started to sob and supressed it with my pillows.

I am still not okay. I can't wait to be okay. I am still hurt as if my body is going to collapse and get sick. Until when can I be like this? Everyday I feel I am a useless person, a failure. I feel so small. Why did I even allow myself to be in this kind of situation. Should I give up?

No, I won't. I'll be hurt if I had to, and it's going to be worth it.

Dear Future Boyfriend.

Hi. The last time I wrote you a decent letter was when I was very sad, and I feel the same way today. Don't feel bad that I only write to you on days like these, because I felt like you were my only solace. But I don't want to dwell so much on whatever that causes my pain, I just want to talk about us.

I just wonder how you would be on times like this. Are you going to my house with an ice cream tub to make me feel better? Make sure it has nuts, or it's flavoured mango. Please don't be disappointed if I don't talk to much. I know you're not used to me only giving a slight smile. It's just so hard to talk, because if I do I think my tears would burst like a damaged water pipe. You don't need to do anything, don't force a smile. I know you're sad as well. Your mere presence is enough, you can cry with me if you want.

Are you going to take me out? I would love that. I hate isolation as much as I love it. Ironic as it sounds, but it's the truth. We don't need to splurge money, I just want to breathe and forget the sorrow I'm having even just for a short while. We can go see the sunset by the bay, sing me a song even if you don't sound so good, I'll love it. We can walk the streets our heroes used to walk in. We can appreciate flowers, too bad there are no sunflowers. We can even just sit on the couch at a cafe store, breathing the soothing aroma of coffee. Hold my hand. I need it. We can also have a silent picnic at night, where I can see the stars and appreciate them--you know I love them, don't you? Even better, we can catch one fallin, and as we lay down you might catch a tear fall. Will you hold my face and wipe it gently with your thumb? Will you kiss my forehead to make me feel better?

And as you walk me home are you going to hold both my shoulders and hug me tight. Please don't let go too soon. Your hug means a lot to me. Don't worry If I cry so much, you're the only person I'm comfortable being myself. You're the only person who knows that I can be weak.

I felt better writing this, for I felt love in a figurative way. I missed you. Please come soon--if time permits, of course.

Love,

Your Future Girlfriend.

Here I am, I am here.

Can't you feel me?

Can't you see me?

Here I am, I am here

The pain crashed your bone,

You have broken your stride

But you were never alone,

For I never left your side.

It was a privelege to be there

To held you up and lead you somewhere

I was happy to give you comfort

I was happier to be your support

A happy face is hard to feign

And you are still in great pain

Sadness, is what your eyes show

How would I end your sorrow?

What should I do? I felt so desparate.

And it breaks my heart to realize in this state

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I plead

Will result to nothing for I'm not the one you need.

But still, my dear,

Here I am, I am here

Even if you don't feel like it

Even if you don't see it

Here I am, I'll still be here.

on Writing

The true writer has nothing to say. What counts is the way he says it.
- Alain Robbe-Grillet

Writing is its own reward.
- Henry Miller


Writing will always be one of the things I enjoy doing in my life. No, I don't have a good handwriting nor a talent in producing better adjectives to give a perfect description of my thoughts, my grammar and my punctutions are badly misplaced but still, I write. Writing is like a therapy to me. Ever since I was a little girl I started to keep my own journal. Too bad I lost those precious notebooks where I wrote the day my classmate-slash-crush smiled at me. The day I was bullied because I'm fat. The day my mother gave me some spanking for going to a summer basketball game without her permission. Those are funny memories in my childhood that I transcribed into a "Dear Diary" letter. Letters--the word put a smile on my face. I love writing and receiving letters especially to and from my loved ones. Letters are a medium for us to put into writing those very important words of love that we want to read and read all over again. Too bad technology has advanced so well that a lot of people has forgotten the art of writing a letter but I will never stop writing one, hoping that no one would also stop writing me one.

Writing keeps my sanity. I have a lot of things in my mind that I have to put into writing to keep my brain from short-circuiting.I have a bad memory as well, so writing helps. Regardless of what mode--it can be a writing to remember a formula, a recipe, a heartbreaking letter or a poem for a loved one, I will continue and never tire. I don't care if nobody reads them, as long as I've expressed myself through my pen and paper, the pleasure would always be mine. 

Dear You

Dear You,

I have noticed this past few days that you have been very ill--not the ill where you have to take your pills and be confined in a hospital. It's just that you don't look okay. Don't deny it, I know you. I know you best, and whatever you do to conceal it, I know something's wrong.

You're wearing out, even that tiny spark that keeps you going is fading. What is happening? Where is the person who stands up, and never gives up? What happened to the person who doesn't allow failure to keep you from going? That person, I think, is lost. Your eyes, it cannot lie. They can tell how sad you are. The recent pains in your chest is not just ordinary, they tell something.

I just want to hug you right now, that's the least I can do. I know it's what you wanted anyway. With the warmth of my hug let me assure you that you are not alone. I hope the light in your eyes that signals hope and faith will be seen when you look in the mirror, and by that time I'll be able to see a genuine smile again. I miss you, the real you.

I know that the heartaches of the world has worn you out, because you don't seem to understand them. Keep on fighting, You may feel weak but somebody up there is Strong, and you already know it.

Love,
Yourself

I'm the type of person who could not write in times of sadness and pain. I envy those who can muster the exact words to describe how they feel. I wonder how better you must have felt when you have perfectly transcribed the burden inside you in a prose written on a blank sheet. I wish I could also have that kind of therapy. Unfortunately, It is impossible for me to write in these times. I can only stare in that blank sheet with a pen in my hand, thinking, feeling the pain and bitterness that makes me feel worse because everything is contained inside me, and I could not express nor write it.

Do I Really Love You?

I will confidently say "yes" right away. Yes, I do love You, and I am not ashamed to tell the world about it. But as I declare my love for You I was struck with a question, Do I really love You?

That question got me thinking. I suddenly remembered how I get by every day with You by my side. In the morning when I wake up my very first thought could have been You, but it's not You. I grabbed something from under my pillow, You wanted to talk to me, or even say "good morning". I sat down with a tired face as You started talking. I just nodded to Your words, cringing whenever I don't understand or when You talk too much. Sometimes it's worse, I get up and say "later, okay?" then forget that later and go on with my business, as if I really have any. These are the kind of days I forget about You, or only remember You when I eat because that's the time my mind's not too occupied. I sheepishly apologize, and You forgive me right away. I continue with the things I do and there You are, waiting and eventually, hurting. There are areas in my life that You wanted to be involved in but I seem to have kept you out. I seem to be happier when I'm with them than when I'm with You. You felt cheated and neglected yet You never complained, even once. You tried think of ways on how to get me back. You remembered those times I've spent days clinging on You because I was so sad. I never let go of You because I needed You, I needed someone to embrace me in my lowest times. I am not that strong. Praying for it to happen again has crossed Your mind, but You took it back. You know me well and how I am too weak to handle a broken heart and it made You to get closer to me.

I am not numb, I can feel You're hurt. I always say how I wanted our relationship to last forever, but it's just my words without action. I find it unfair, not to me, but to You. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt You, but I always do. I wanted to apologize for everything. You are slow to anger, but I always think you are tired of it all. Are You?

I went back to the time I fell in love with You. You first loved me and pursued me. You even risked your life for me. I was in love and I am happy. Tears welled up in my eyes. I want to go back to those days when I felt joy in my heart. With all these realizations I asked my self again, "Do I really love You?" Yes, it will always be a Yes. I know You don't require me to love you as much as you love me, for I will never, ever reach to that level. I know I got cold, but You never left me. You never gave up on getting me back, even if it looked like I have given up already. You really loved me, unconditionally.

Today I try my best to put You first in everything I do, for I know my relationship with you is the foundation to everything. I have learned that real joy could not be replaced with anything and can only be found in You. Sorry for everything. I will always love You, because You first loved me.

I Love You, God :'-)

16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 19 We love because he first loved us.
-- 1 John 4:16,19

".. I have loved you with an everlasting love.." --Jeremiah 31:3

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
--Romans 8:38-39